I started this year of blogging for Luna excited for the opportunity to share what this sport, and team, mean to me. I envisioned a chance to write about the ups and downs of my year, while working through some of the demons that seem to be living in the back of my head. I thought it would be fun, and maybe a little emotional, but I had no idea that I would share some parts of myself that I sometimes found so hard to explore even in my own head, let alone out in front of anyone who wanted to read what I happened to be writing that week.
I started the year asking “how hard can it be?”. Its still my mantra, and it probably always will be. It embodies all of the stubbornness and desire I need to move past things that scare me, to jump into events that excite me, to move forward when things hurt, and to stay positive when everything inside me says that I just cannot take anymore. It gives me a way to step around the doubts, and remind myself that not trying is a bigger failure than trying and not making it. This is true for sports, learning, relationships, and working through fears that I will never be able to put some things behind me.
These weeks have shown me that in my effort to be strong, I pushed down the fear, anger and sadness I felt at the last five years of challenges and loss. In order to survive, I learned to cope, and that meant not letting the pain overwhelm me so much that I could not breathe or move. I threw myself into racing, which provided an outlet that helped keep me focused and happy, but also let me avoid some of the things I was feeling. Earlier this year, something changed, and an event that should not have caused as much distress as it did, left me sobbing and wondering if I could take anymore. It took me a few weeks to realize that I needed to grieve my losses, of my health, my two dogs, my cat, my breasts, and my marriage, as well as the development of lymphedema in my right arm, and now possibly my left.
I have to grieve the loss of the person I used to be, in order to start discovering the person I am becoming, a teacher, a friend, a triathlete, a mentor, maybe even a writer. Admitting that has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and saying it here, brings tears to my eyes. Its hard to admit that I miss the person I used to be, that I feel incomplete when I look in the mirror and see my scars or when I try to work through a tough problem at school and my mind seems to fail me. Its hard to admit because it says I have not completely healed, that I still have a ways to go, and I do not want to admit to that because sometimes it makes me feel weak. But in the end, I think its necessary to acknowledge the grieving, in order to move on to the new and amazing things in my life.
Even as I write that I still have some healing to do, I know that my life is blessed and amazing now. I have a job I love, students that challenge me, friends (both old and new) that are there for me no matter the circumstance, and health that is starting to come back to me, even if it is not as fast as I want. I used to think that if I acknowledged not being completely past things, that meant I was not grateful for the life I have. Now I realize that admitting I am not there, is the only way I will continue to grow and heal.
This blog has been a challenge and a blessing, giving me an outlet to share the victories that I hoped would inspire others to try something they may have been scared to try, as well as share the falls to show that even when things are hard, you can get back up and keep going. I am grateful for having the chance to write this blog and to be a member of such an amazing organization. The friends I have made through this experience, especially my fellow bloggers and teammates, have taught me a lot about self acceptance and adjusting your course when things do not go quite as planned.
After this season, I have a new appreciation for embracing life, and look at overcoming in a little different way. Like Tabitha said to me a while ago, “There comes a time we realize that waves of challenges, adversity, illness can wash us around as we try and stay afloat…or we learn to stand up and surf”. I am so learning to surf, because really, how hard can it be?
